“Relationship Toxin: Immorality” (Colossians 3:1-11) by Dave Wilson

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Hi Leaders! Here are the questions for small group discussion time:

1. One definition of immorality is unrestrained self-indulgence in areas considered wicked, evil, or immoral by a common standard. List some examples of immorality from Colossians 3. What else would you add to the list? From Colossians 3: sexual immorality,impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, anger, rage, malice, slander and lying. Then discuss what else could be added. Ideas: murder, adultery, theft, false testimony, slander, (Matthew 15:9) carousing, drunkenness, debauchery, dissension and jealousy (Romans 13:13).
2. Compare the list from Question 1 to American cultural standards. In what way have the standards changed over time? Discussion should point clearly to the fact that America’s standards of morality have changed (and are continuing to change) over time. God’s standards do not change. They are the one true standard for morality. This would be a good time to ask how daily Bible reading is going. We need to be growing in our knowledge and application of God’s unchanging truth. A question for parents and grandparents to think about: How am I training my kids to use God’s Word as the standard of morality, rather than that of the world, or even of the church?
3. Colossians 3:5 encourages believers to take severe measures to remove 5 fleshly desires. How does each fleshly desire relate to sexual immorality? What sexual activities are immoral according to the Bible? In Colossians 3:5 (NIV) the fleshly desires that we are to put to death are sexual immorality,impurity, lust, evil desires and greed. I’ve included the NKJV here, with MacArthur Study Bible notes. They are fornication (any form of sexual sin), uncleanness (thoughts and intentions), passion (physical lust), evil desire (mental lust), and covetousness (insatiable desire for more of what’s forbidden). All of these lead to idolatry, worshipping our own desires and selfishness, instead of God. Immoral sexual activities include sex outside marriage, pornography, homosexuality, and a host of others; basically anything sexual outside the marriage union of a husband and wife.
4. How might the sexual immorality “bait” be different for women and for men? Often for men the “bait” is visual, whereas with women it’s usually more emotionally driven. Also, societal expectations and pressures are different between men and women. This would be a good time to take one “bait” down the two trails that Pastor Wilson shared. BAIT -> BURN -> BITE -> BAKED versus BAIT -> BURN -> BOLT -> BLESSED.
5. Why do you think sexual immorality is a relational toxin? Who does it poison? What are the benefits of sexual purity? Sexual immorality is a relational toxin for many reasons, including lack of unity, and emotional and/or physical separation within a marriage. The primary relationship that is poisoned is that between us and God. In addition, the marriage relationship is poisoned and the effects are felt in the kids and grandkids too. God created sex to be enjoyed within the context of marriage between a husband and wife. There is much to be celebrated and cultivated within these boundaries.
6. Challenge: Our speaker encouraged us to replace our old identity with our new identity in Christ. Find 5-10 truths about who you are in Christ from the Bible. Share that list, with the Bible references, in group next week. Here’s a list of verses on our identity in Christ: https://www.openbible.info/topics/who_am_i_in_christ. Also, a list compiled by Priscilla Shirer: http://www.goingbeyond.com/blog/who-you-are-in-christ/.

Break into gender groups to discuss the following:

7. The goal of the Relationship Rx sermon series is to recognize, reject and replace relationship toxins. Immorality is our toxin focus today:

Answers will vary, but we will continue to ask these questions each week as we try to recognize, reject, and replace these relationship toxins.

What areas of your flesh are the most difficult to control? In other words, what are your greatest temptations? (recognize)

What situations tend to get you in the most trouble? (recognize)

How can you “bolt” from your toughest temptations? (reject)

What do you need to do/think to avoid this toxin? (replace)

8. How are you doing in rejecting and replacing hurtful words? Being offended? These were the first two relationship toxins discussed in this series. Celebrate any successes and encourage continued growth.

“Relationship Toxin: Hurtful Words” (Colossians 3:1-17; James 3:1-12) by Mark Seekins

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Here are the questions for small group discussion time:

1. The Relationship Toxin to recognize this week is “hurtful words.”
   • How would you define hurtful words by using Colossians 3:7-10? What else would you add to the definition? Colossians 3 lists hurtful words as lies, slander, and filthy language. Other types of hurtful words are listed in question 3. Words can be defined as spoken or written, including written in social media. Hurtful is something that hurts us to our core, perceived or real. If the intent of the speaker is to hurt, seek revenge, put someone in their place, devalue the person, or otherwise, it is indeed hurtful.
   • Why do you think hurtful words are toxic to our relationships? They reveal the evil motives and expose our true feelings about someone, often putting barriers between people. Words can not be taken back.
2. According to the following verses, what does the Bible say about our words?

• Proverbs 10:32 - words can be godly or evil
• Proverbs 15:28 - the godly think carefully before speaking but fools gush evil
• Matthew 12:34-35; 15:18 - our words reveal our heart
• James 1:19-21 - we should be slow to speak
• James 3:5-10 - our speech is powerful to bless or curse; it is difficult to tame and exposes the evil in our heart

3. Since our words reveal what is in our hearts (Matt. 15:18), what might be the underlying heart issue and/or motive for each? the following are possible answers….

• Lies…desire to impress others more than the Lord; impatience to explain the whole truth
• Slander….slander is to speak falsely about their character/actions in a negative way….may show our devalue of others, pride, laziness to get the truth, does not fear the Lord
• Gossip…gossip is idle talk or the spreading of rumors about others personal lives when we are not part of the solution….the heart issue could be pride - elevating our self over the person or wanting to be the person in the “know”; lack of respect for God’s people
• Criticism…pride that we have it right and all together and you don’t
• Profanity…anger, desire to please others more than God, pride - need to be noticed/cool
• Sarcasm…could be that your heart is hurt so you are hurting back; your proud and mocking someone
• Harsh or cruel words…could be your heart is hurt so you are hurting back, lack of respect for God’s people, anger, might just be tired

4. Christians are commanded to “rebuke” other Christians (Col. 3:16; Rom. 15:14). The dictionary defines rebuke as “to warn, correct or reprimand someone harshly.” What determines if a rebuke is hurtful or life-giving? The one doing the rebuke must be filled with the Holy Spirit, love the person, have pure motives and believe that the rebuke is indeed life-giving; however, the person receiving the rebuke still might not perceive it as life-giving. For example, if a doctor tells you to lose weight because it will increase your quality of life it is “life-giving” advice whether the person follows the rebuke or not.

5. Brainstorm how someone could grow in speaking life-giving words versus hurtful words. Is the Holy Spirit prompting you to apply any of these ideas? Share. Some ways that a person might grow in speaking life-giving words include: filling their mind and heart with Scripture, doing a study on it, hanging out with other people who speak life-giving words, asking someone to hold them accountable, purposefully logging the hurtful words and heart issue behind it then coming up with solutions, learning to be slow to speak - bite their tongue, ask questions, etc.; pray lots.

6. Perceived hurtful words can happen when we use social media, especially with different generations. How might different people perceive the following:

• a one-word response without an emoticon to many in the younger generations this type of response would seem rude and passive aggressive; others are just thankful for the reply
• a message in all caps many people read an all caps message as you yelling at them; others just see it as a cryptic response from someone who can’t type well
• a reply 24 hours after their message was sent many perceive this as rude and you don’t care about me; others just assume the person is busy and will respond shortly
• an informational response without any personal content many perceive this as rude and unfeeling; others are just thankful for a response

7. How can we help each other be “life-giving” versus “hurtful” in social media? Educate each other on social media norms and be sure to ask questions instead of assuming someone is mad at you or other motives of the heart…only God can read the heart, it is our job to draw out the motives of the heart.

Break into gender groups to discuss the following:

8. Take time to consider the following from this past week: answers will vary but we will continue to ask these questions each week as we try to recognize, reject, and replace these relationship toxins

• Have you taken up an offense?
• Have you used hurtful words? (Consider your social media as well)
• What has been the effect on your relationships?
• Have you rejected and replaced these toxins?
• How can your group help hold you accountable?

“Relationship Toxin: Offense” (Colossians 3:13) by Dave Bechtel

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1. Read Colossians 3:13 in at least 3 Bible versions. Share insights from this passage. Answers will vary
2. How does the dictionary define “offense?” How did Pastor Dave define it? Brainstorm what makes something an “offense?” The Merriam Webster dictionary definition of offense is something that causes a person to be hurt, angry, or upset; the act of displeasing or affronting. Pastor Dave explained the Greek word “Momthan” used in Colossians 3:13. It’s translated in different ways by various versions: grievance, complaint, or quarrel. The basic meaning is to find fault with, to blame, to put the responsibility of error, fault, or wrongdoing on someone.
3. Read John 7:24 and I Corinthians 6:2. Since God created us to “judge,” what causes our judgements to go toxic? There are many implications connected with us humans being made in the image of God. One of those is that we are, like He is, wired to judge. He is the judge of all the earth (Gen. 18:25). He made us to be judges also. To live our lives in a God-pleasing way, we will be required to make all kinds of judgments. Biblically speaking we make every kind except final judgment. Our judgements can go toxic in two primary ways. One way is that we can make incorrect judgments. We make judgments about others even when we don’t have all the facts, when we don’t see the deeper realities, the motives and reasons for the things others do. We make bad calls. A second way that our judgment can become toxic is when it becomes a “grievance”. Sometimes we personally attempt to enforce justice outside of our God-given authority. Or we store their “wrong doing” in our hearts and then we plan revenge.
4. Discuss the following: a. What are the clues that help me know I’ve taken up an offense? The following list of questions may provide some clues: Do I need to tell my side of the story? Do I keep rehearsing past hurts? Do I have feelings of suspicion and distrust? Do I have a pattern of withdrawal? It is also valuable to ask a trusted friend’s opinion of whether or not you are quick to take offense. b. Why is harboring an offense so lethal in my life? The toxicity of taking offense brings hardness of heart, coldness toward others and toward God. It’s a spiritual principle: any one heart can’t hold at the same time two incompatible things. It can’t hold both forgiveness and a desire for revenge, love and grievance, joy and offense. The toxicity of taking offense spreads from our hearts into our relationships. With our fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, our friends, our fellow believers. . . anyone in our path. c. How can you reject being offended? We can remember the motivation and model of our Lord’s forgiveness. We can recognize the negative results of taking offense. Remembering that God is the Judge and focusing on the positive aspects of the offender or offending circumstances can also help.
5. Why is “being a victim” just as much taking up an offense as seeking revenge? Which of these is your tendency? If we believe we’ve suffered some kind of injustice but we can’t see anything we can do about it we may take on the position called “the victim posture”. It may not be as outwardly aggressive as seeking revenge, but it’s just as toxic, both to our hearts and those around us.
6. How does someone forgive the injustices they will inevitably suffer? The Bible is filled with the stories of those who experienced the unjust actions of others. The Lord’s forgiveness of us is our motivation and model. He forgave us a greater debt than we will ever be asked to forgive toward others. Our sin was the cause of the death of God’s Son, and God forgave us for that. With that forgiveness in our hearts, we can forgive others their sins against us. When He forgave He chose to take our debt upon Himself. That’s what forgiveness is. That is the big justice question, of course. Something wrong has been done. Who will pay? Taking offense makes this choice: I’ll make them pay. Forgiveness makes a different choice: I’ll pay until that Day when God will sort out all debts.
7. Challenge: Find some biblical examples of people or situations where offense has occurred. What was the response and what was the outcome? There were several biblical examples given in the sermon. Examples of taking offense include: The parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:25-30), Absalom (II Samuel 13:20 and following), and Cain (Genesis 4:1-8). Examples of forgiveness and bearing with one another include: Joseph (Gen. 45:4-8a; 50:18-21), David (II Sam. 1:23-24), and Jesus (Luke 23:32-34). In addition, consider Stephen (Acts 7:54-60) and Daniel (Daniel 6:10-23). What other examples can your group come up with?

Break into gender groups and discuss the following:

8. Are you currently nurturing an offense (sitting in toxic waste)? If so, how do you know? How can you “give grace,” “bear with them,” and/or “forgive as the Lord forgave you?” How can the group help you? Answers will vary, but encourage authenticity and practical application.